Anamnesis
by Sargent Snarky
Summary: Cecil sometimes dreams of a family, an early childhood and a later, orphaned one he only dimly remembers. Every now and again, though, something triggers a memory so strong Cecil wonders how he ever forgot.
1. Prologue

**Title**: Anamnesis

**Author:** Sargent Snarky

**Summary:** Cecil sometimes dreams of a family, an early childhood and a later, orphaned one he only dimly remembers. Every now and again, though, something triggers a memory so strong Cecil wonders how he ever forgot.

**A/N** Disclaiming, first. I don't own the characters or places or the world in which this fic takes places. Instead, it's Squaresoft, I believe. Lucky ducks.

Oh! And 'anamnesis' means reminiscence, in case you were wondering about the title.

Anyway, I shall now shut up and move onto the story proper. I thank you in advance for reading, and would very much appreciate any comments you might leave, be they good or bad or just neutral. Criticism (especially of the constructive kind) is preferential to all other comments, by the way. So, if you've some tip for me, please leave it. Whether I'll follow it remains to be seen, but at least it'll give me something to consider and perhaps improve upon.

Thanks!

And now, please enjoy the story…

* * *

**_Prologue_**

* * *

"Hey Kain?" asked Rosa, suddenly.

"Yeah?" he turned his head to look over at her. So, too, did Cecil.

The three children were lying on their backs in the grass, gazing up at the afternoon sky and the clouds, which lazily drifted by, propelled by a soft, warm breeze.

"If you could have any wish in the entire world granted, what would it be?" Rosa asked, her brown eyes sparkling in the sun.

Kain blinked, slightly taken aback; of all the random questions, this was not one he might have expected. "Um," he began, articulately. "I… I'd want to be a great dragoon, like my father," he said at length, his eyes going distant with thought. A sad smile curved his lips; his father had died when Kain had been very little, but the boy preferred to think on his father with pride and a hope to live up to the man's name rather than with sorrow. "Soaring through the air, propelled by your own strength… I'd like that very much. Either that or being able to fly… like a bird." He returned his focus to Rosa. "What about you?"

"Me? Hmm…" Rosa was silent for a few moments in thought. "I'd wish that the war would stop, so that my father could come home. Mother and I really miss him."

They were all silent for a moment, pondering the ongoing war with Elban. None of them was quite sure of the war's origins – none of the adults seemed willing to explain politics and foreign policy with seven, eight and nine year olds. However, despite their lack of understanding, the children still knew of the war's existence and that many of the men of Baron were busy defending against and attacking the ninja clans, and that some of the men never made it back. The three children shared in the mutual hope, though, that Rosa's father would not be one of them. So far, he hadn't, so there wasn't any reason to give up that hope, yet.

"What about you, Cecil?" asked Rosa once the period of silence had gone on long enough. "What would you wish for?"

Cecil's lavender eyes (a most peculiar shade for eyes, in Rosa's opinion – not that she didn't like it, of course; she just found it odd) turned to the clouds overhead, going unfocused as his thought turned inward. The boy was silent for much longer than either Rosa or Kain had been, considering his answer.

At last, however, he spoke, softly: "I think… I'd wish to know my family, meet them… remember them…"

* * *

_**End of Prologue **_

* * *

**A/N**: 

Well, what do you think? I won't have time until this weekend or even next week, perhaps, to edit and upload the first chapter (which I have completed, though it needs a bit of editing), so… don't expect it any time soon.

Anyway, this is mostly an exercise of mine to try and flesh out Cecil's past, and, through him, Rosa's and Kain's, as well. It always annoyed me that we never found out much of their childhoods beyond that Cecil and Kain, after each being orphaned, were taken under the care of the King of Baron, who acted much as a father and mentor to them for a while, and that Rosa's father, a knight in the service of Baron, died, leaving her and her white mage mother alone. Oh, and that Kain's father was a dragoon, whom Kain desires to emulate. And… other stuff like that. But those are just dry facts. They aren't the story. This, therefore, is my attempt to write that story.

Keep in mind that I may take a few liberties with the characters and events, so I hope you shall not take too much umbrage to that. Also, I'm not going to be writing out the whole game here. Just… the parts that are relevant. You'll see what I mean.

Please leave me a review, if you can! Thanks!

_Love, Snarky_  



	2. Chapter 1

**Anamnesis**

**A Fanfiction for Final Fantasy IV**

**By Sargent Snarky**

* * *

**A/N:** _I apologize profusely for the long wait on this! I won't bore you with excuses, but just say that I am very sorry about this. I hope the long, detailed first chapter will make up for it! Despite appearances with this first chapter, this will not be a novelization of the game by any means. Instead, I will only be novelizing certain key scenes - and then only if they're relevant to the memory and reflection portion of this. This is an unusual style for me to write in, and it is in some sense an experiment._

_Therefore,_ criticism – especially concrit_ – is greatly appreciated._

_And now without further adieu, I give you_…

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_The leaves of memory seemed to make  
A mournful rustling in the dark.  
- _Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

* * *

Upon shutting the solid oak door behind him, Cecil pulled his helmet off, bracing it between his side and his arm, and leaning back against the door, letting out a long, unhappy, weary sigh. He had closed his eyes for only a few brief seconds, enjoying but a short piece of quiet dark, before gouts of fire and lightening and the crimson of blood and the blue of a shining water crystal flashed before his eyes, invading even his conscious daydreams with their stark reminder of the foul deeds earlier afoot. 

His eyes snapped open, and Cecil let out a soft groan as he pushed himself back up to a proper standing position. Then, he deposited his black helmet upon the wooden table there, in his room, placed nigh the window. He blinked and another remembered vision, of the King and the queer, greedy, eager light in the man's eyes, flickered across Cecil's vision.

"What's happened to the king?" he wondered aloud, his tone soft and troubled as he gazed out the window, blue tinted green eyes distant with unhappy thought. "He covets the crystals as though he's possessed…"

Cecil's gaze dropped to his gauntleted hands – stained, now, with blood. Mysadian blood. He clenched them and swallowed. "And he'll resort to any means to get them…"

The Dark Knight at last pulled the gauntlets off, setting them next to the helmet. He then proceeded to remove his belt – and with it, scabbard and sword… a blade of darkness. Cecil had grown the loath the thing, really, and he entertained the temptation to fling it out the window, now. With luck, it would land in the moat, sink and be forgotten. But, he knew he could not do such a thing…. Could not forsake his weapon and his duty… not even at a time like this, though it pained him, blackened his conscience, disturbed his heart.

He wondered how long he might keep this up before he would grow insane. For that was what being a Dark Knight was bound to do to him, if he continued. The dark powers he employed to increase his strength and capability in battle did not sit well with him, for they felt just that: dark. Cecil had never liked the dark. Not that he could ever remember, anyway. The only reason he'd ever liked the night in his childhood (what he could remember of his childhood, anyway) was because of the stars and the twin moons. The moons especially had always given him a sense of peace, though he had no idea why.

Cecil removed his breastplate, setting it carefully down, and it was soon followed by his pauldrons, greaves and, of course, his boots. Beneath the armor, his clothing (simple and serviceable) stuck to him a little. But this was soon remedied as he changed into a clean set. He felt it a good idea, given that he would be leaving tomorrow for Mist.

This change completed, he stood before his armor, laid out (and unclean – he was too tired to do it now, and he knew it would only grow dirtier tomorrow), thinking, again.

"Any means," he murmured, eyes fixing upon a particularly splotchy stain, ringed with ash from a fire spell. "Nevertheless… I can't defy him." Cecil's eyes turned, now away from the armor, straying around the room – _his_ room, given him by the King those years ago, when Cecil had shown up out of nowhere, on death's door, and the King had adopted him. "How could I cross the man who raised Kain and me like his very own? The chivalrous knight, whom I've adored and admired since childhood."

He looked up, at the window, suddenly, set his jaw and clenched his fists in grim determination. "I will not betray him," he declared. Then, softer, he added, "I can't."

He remained standing there for a short while, eyes out upon the evening sky, seeking the moons and the peace they might bring. But, it was the wrong time of night for seeing them out this window. So, soon, he gave up and stumbled over to his bed, into which he climbed, pulling out, as he did so, the ribbon (given him by Rosa) holding his white locks of hair out of his face. He set the ribbon beneath his pillow and shut his eyes, willing himself to go to sleep and a dreamless sleep at that.

Cecil was having no success, so when a gentle tapping came at his door, followed by Rosa's soft call, he was not disturbed in any way. Rather, he opened his eyes and turned his head to gaze at her, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, as she entered; her golden hair verily glowed in the light of the candle she held and set on the table, and her honey brown eyes sparkled.

"Cecil!" she said, her tone warm, albeit worried. "What's going on? You just returned from Mysidia, but now you must journey afar to battle this phantom beast?" She frowned. "You're acting very strange."

Cecil closed his eyes and dropped his gaze and head towards the floor, murmuring, "Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine." It was almost like a mantra, the way he said it so tonelessly.

"Cecil," admonished Rosa, coming closer, standing right before him and bending over a bit to be at eyelevel with him. "Look at me."

So he did, lifting his head to gaze at her, once more. Her eyes beckoned him to tell her all, but he couldn't… not looking at her, at any rate. So his gaze dropped again, before he spoke. "In Mysidia… we… killed innocent people to steal their crystal," he said, quietly, dully. His eyes closed against the images that once again clawed their way before his vision. "It was horrible." He swallowed and was silent for a moment before his eyes opened again, a sickly, dismayed and unhappy smile spreading across his lips. "I supposed this is my fate as a Dark Knight, though… Soon… soon, I won't even feel remorse for my own actions."

"You and I both know that would _never_ happen," reminded Rosa, gently as always.

His smile stiffened and faded. His expression became, suddenly, quite weary. "Still, I can't defy the king… I'm a hopeless coward," he berated himself.

Rosa frowned. "The Cecil I know would never whimper like this!" she reprimanded, crossing her arms across her chest and straightening up. "The Cecil I love…" She was silent for a moment, letting this sink in, before she asked, "You leave for Mist early tomorrow, right?"

Cecil nodded. "Yes," he said, then quickly added, sensing her unvoiced concerns, "But don't worry. Kain's coming, too. I… I'll be fine. Trust me." He offered a smile to her, though it was a bit strained.

However, knowing there was no diverting him from this path, Rosa sighed and nodded. She leant forward, again, and pushed a few strands of pale hair from his face, then cupped his cheek in her hand. He leant his face against it a little and lifted a hand to touch hers.

"Please come back to me in one piece," Rosa requested, a faint smile curving her lips. Then, she pulled away, turned and began to leave, picking up her candle once more.

"Thank you, Rosa," said Cecil, just as she reached the door. She glanced back and nodded, and then she was gone, and Cecil was alone, again. He let his fake smile fade, replaced once more with his brooding melancholy.

And with that, he lay back down and attempted to sleep, once more.

Eventually, sleep did come, but with it – just as he'd feared – came dreams. However, to his surprise, the dreams were not a mangled product of the events in Mysidia, but rather dreams of remembrance. Of days long gone by, of a younger, kindlier King, of his first meeting with Rosa.

) o (

_I sit, alone, watching the other children – mostly the sons of the soldiers whose duty compels them to reside very near, sometimes within the castle. I watch them play, but I do not join in, for I am not permitted, yet. I've only just begun to recover from my Illness, you see, and the healers do not want me to exert myself until my strength has grown. I am too thin for their liking, apparently, still too bedraggled, too. My skin is too pale, my cheeks too hollow and my eyes too sunken. I'm sure most of that will change, soon; I'm no longer lost in fever dreams or blurred delirium, and I'm finally able to stomach more than a weak broth. So, I'm sure the skeletal thinness will fade, and my strength will grow; the paleness won't, though – that I know. If I were destined to be ruddy or dark, I'm sure my hair wouldn't be the stark silvery white it is, now. Ah well… what do I know?_

_I don't even know what my Illness was, or even how I got it. I suspect it was because I was injured and my injuries grew infected, but I could always have become injured after my Illness began. I certainly don't remember how I got quite so many cuts and bruises. I barely recall even arriving in Baron, only to collapse at the feat of some Lady, who brought me to the White Mages. I… don't remember… anything, really. It is a frightening thing! Do I have a mother? A father? Sisters? Brothers? I do… do not know…_

_But my mind refuses to dwell on this, now. So, instead, I mindlessly, longingly, watch the children kick and pass a ball amongst themselves, chasing it or its bearer from one end of the small courtyard to the other, while I sit on the steps to the wing of the castle behind me. Occasionally, the children will glance over at me and talk amongst themselves, and though this is not particularly fun, I can't bring myself to grow angry with them. After all, I'm the newcomer, encroaching on an entirely alien territory. I wish I didn't feel that way, though. I wonder what it's like…? Fitting right in, that is. Perhaps if I could remember aught, I'd remember that, but… for now? I'll have to make due with my given name as my only tentative link to what I am… was._

_I sigh and rest my chin upon my knees, bored and yet too dazed and sleepy to do anything about it. The Mages are right about my not being anywhere near full strength, yet. But, I refuse to cave into their desires and return to their tower to await more bed rest. That is even _more_ boring than just watching my… potential friends engage in their playful exercise._

_I close my eyes for a second, and when I open them, again, I am suddenly aware of someone standing behind me and a little to my left. I blink and turn my head to see. A girl stands there, a bit younger than I, her light golden hair falling in loose curls around her shoulders and her blue eyes sparkling brightly. It takes a few moments of staring, but then I recognize her as the child of one of the Mages, though I do not know her name._

_"Hello! Aren't you still supposed to be in bed?" she asks me, blinking and stepping down, taking a seat next to me; her every movement is springy and oddly graceful._

_I shrug. "Probably. They didn't send you to make me go back inside, did they?"_

_She shakes her head. "No, they didn't, though they'd probably prefer it if you did. Mother was complaining about how you're too impatient to be up and about, though."_

_She is silent for a long moment, and so am I. She continues to watch me, while I turn my eyes away from her, back to the children playing ball. Suddenly, she asks, "What is your name, anyway?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Your name. What is it?"_

_"Oh, ah… Cecil," I answer._

_"Cecil," she repeats, mulling it over. "It's a nice name. Mine's Rosa."_

_She sticks her hand out, smiling brightly. I hesitantly lift my own hand, unsure what I am supposed to do. After an awkward moment passes, she seems to realize my confusion and reaches out, taking my hand and giving it a firm shake. Her hand is warm._

_A giggle escapes her lips. "You're very odd," she tells me, as I stare at her hand, though she's already released mine. "Actually, only men are supposed to shake each other's hands in greeting; if a man greets a woman, he's supposed to lift her hand up and kiss the knuckles, but I rather don't like that. I much prefer shaking."_

_I blink, unsure what to say in response. So, after a pause, I merely settle on, "Oh."_

_She giggles. "You're kind of funny, you know. Where are you from, anyway? I've never seen anyone with hair like yours before. Most everyone in Baron has yellow hair, though some have brown or red. The only other colors I ever see are black, when dignitaries from Fabul visit, or once a Mysadian was here with blue hair, but never any white. Well, except old people, but that's not the same white at all…"_

_I find myself bemused and yet charmed by her babble. However, her question steals my smile, and I sigh. "I… don't know," I admit at length._

_"You don't know where you're from?"_

_"No."_

_"Oh. In that case, we can just pretend. Let me think… where should you be from?"_

_She trails off, tilting her head to the side and regarding me with firm concentration. I shift awkwardly under her scrutiny and self-consciously avert my eyes, fixating on the games of the other children, again._

_"The lesser moon," she declares, at last, startling me._

_"Wha-what?" I stiffen and stare at her; for some reason that reminds me of… something. It's lost, now, but for a moment I had it – something to do with the moon._

_"That's where you'll be from. The moon." She beams. "You see, it's silvery white, like your hair. Besides, your eyes are almost glowy… and they're purple, so you have to be from some place unusual. Thus, the moon."_

_I frown and shake my head, trying to clear it from the almost-memory that clouds it. Rosa interprets my motion as disagreeing with her, and she laughs._

_"It's just pretend," she says. "So don't worry about – ah, watch out!"_

_She points, and it is at this moment the ball the others had been playing with flies out of nowhere. Acting on pure instinct, I lift my arms to catch the ball, and it is only when another blond child comes running over, grinning, that I realize I did catch it._

_"Nice catch," he says, pausing to take the ball back before adding, "for a girl."_

_"Oh, Kain," sighs Rosa, scowling. She looks at me, again. "Don't mind Kain; he's just jealous that even girls are better at catching than him. Not that you're a girl, of course. He's just hiding his envy."_

_Kain makes a face and throws the ball at Rosa, who catches it and pelts it right back at him. Laughing, he snags it and runs back to the game, for the other children are clamoring for him to hurry up. Before he's gone, though, he turns and waves, winking at us. I am glad he means no ill will._

) o (

When Cecil awoke the next morning – before dawn – his thoughts lingered on Kain, the second friend he'd made. Cecil couldn't help but smile at the thought of their innocent childhood. However, as his eyes came to rest on his bloodstained armor, again, the dark knight's smile faded, his mind brought crashing back to the unhappy present.

Nonetheless, with a resigned sigh, Cecil rose and prepared for the day's quest.

* * *

**End of Chapter 1**

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A/N: What did you think? Again, I apologize for taking so long with this. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter so I know what I can improve upon, etc. Thanks!

- Snarky


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